This is the Worst Chipotle Ever

Then floor is hot lava if you want to see this venue. Satan sets the stage smiling sweetly to smitten security guards. Live from the halls of hell, put your hands together for the amazing Reverend Nathan Speer. I made it. To the flamed depths of a cursed and haunted vision of the penultimate punishment for being Atheist. The ultimate punishment being actually gaining admittance into heaven, where God challenges you to beer pong all day and no matter how sloppy you try, you always win. Not in hell, all the ping pong tables burned away as the barman serves Colt 45 and Grog. The guitars wail and the souls sing in D Minor, the most unholy of all scales. I try to reason with Satan, I tell him how he couldn't possibly exist. He just rolls his eyes and pats me on the back, “there, there, young Reverend. You'll understand that impossible is nothing. My Earthly evil corporation Nike tried to explain this all to you”. Coincidentally, I had only worn Adidas, since I happened to have a odd obsession with three-striped apparel.

I tried to reason with Satan further, who by the way, looks not quite, but almost, entirely unlike what you think Satan would look like. I kept telling him about how crime and punishment are relative to the dimension of time and space you live in. “Murder isn't bad when you are a gas giant exploding, spreading gamma radiation across the universe. And so what if I had inhaled that marijuana; just 100 years before and 100 years later from my existence would it have been OK again”. Satan shrugged. I ripped another bong hit.

As the smoke cleared, I went on: And what about God himself? More of neutral good than a total good. Species living to die, atmosphere-born disease... not to mention that unfortunate race of humanoids from Betelgeuse. Satan stopped in his tracks. Whatever cool he had collected then and there stopped, “God doesn't exist, relative is absolute, and your here on probation. If you straighten up and fly right, I'll send you to heaven”.

I thought about this, hard. “But, heaven doesn't exist?”. Satan put his face to his palm. “Then Hell doesn't exist”. I thought harder... “Do I exist?”

Trillions of years ago, nothing came from nothing, exploding into infinity. All gas and chemical came into fruition all at once and expanded indefinitely. In it's expansion, a petite yellow star happened to have bits of rubble fall into it's orbit, making planets. On of them happened to form hydrogen and oxygen together to make water. A comet collided onto it's surface and spread carbon and other elements dispersed into a cesspool. In this cesspool walked out a monkey onto Pangaea, and then evolved from hairy primates, to Humans, who tried their hardest to shave themselves bald wherever hair seemed to displease them. “Just look at my crotch!” I told Satan. So smooth and hairless.

Beyond that was nothing. Well, even humans were nothing. That is, the vastness of all of space is so inconceivable to the human brain. The total number of lifeforms divided by the number of planets that do not have life, equals nothing. Our interaction with others and the reality within that otherwise, would be everything. A complete congregation of all inherent good and all inherent bad in one place could not exist because there is nothing, therefore could not exist.

The background of Hell slowly melted to white in front of me. Satan began to fade away.

Any time spent searching through the cosmos is useless, because even if you could find something, the ultimate speed of 385,000 miles per second, the speed of light, is so slow, it would take generations for one to reach the other. And anyways, if it be the will of the proposed God of Humans, what would be the point? God's only goal for humans is to reproduce. So that's what you'd do then... fuck aliens. Reproduce into mutated creatures of separate products of evolution, put together, and have some hideous life form contemplating which God of which race to believe in.

It was all white in front of me. Nothing. Total light. Whatever reality was before is now gone completely. So that's it... I've destroyed reality, and in turn, perhaps all of life, the universe, and everything. I sneezed. And out from my nostrils it started again. A new universe. Trillions of years from now, a planet will form. 4.6 billion years after that, creatures will have evolved enough to write poetry. A man will be eating a burrito at an establishment called “Chipotle” when he suddenly dies and goes to hell. It will happen again. An infinite loop that occurs only in an infinite amount of time, infinitely looping through infinity.

And the floor is hot lava.

Posted by reverendnathan on Thu, 11/27/2008 - 19:59. | Permalink | reverendnathan's blog | Login or register to post comments

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This is the Worst Chipotle Ever

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