Shaken

reverendnathan's picture

I haven't dreamed in a long time, if ever. I can't remember. Dreams come into fruition and slowly fade away, like the Sun in solstice. At least, that's how I think they happen. That's how I'm told they occur. You tell someone, “Oh, man I've just had the craziest dream,” and you explain it to them and it always ends the same. “I... I can't remember what happens next”.

I've never told anyone any of my deepest thoughts because I don't think them. Anything I feel is too deep for being secrets I let out in expression. A beautiful canvas for the audience to see. They see artistic expression, “Brilliant!” they rave. It's my deepest fears, hopes, aspirations, and hauntings I can no longer feel the guilt of keeping bottled up.

Perhaps I don't dream because I don't give my mind energy to keep these memories for too long; taking flight onto paper and canvas... never stored but never shared bluntly. Allusion, reference, but never the full secret. But once it's called “art”, it's gone. I can never remember what I've shamed.

I was just talking to myself about where I go to sleep at night. It's never the same bed. Never the same position, never with the same person, and never with the same mindset. It's such a daze as to where I pass out, I can't remember passing out at all. I have no clue where the lines of consciousness end and reality begin. Perhaps that should be said the other way around.

I can never tell where or when I am; I'm just there. I can't remember a moment's past, and I know I cannot predict the future; the hex of humanity. So I am where I am, jumping from one scene into the next, with no recollection of the previous. An all-existing being who comes in and out of focus, memory, and logic. But always there. That much I can prove. Until it's forgotten.

I can't shake the feeling that the present is so important. Like my existence will vanish before my memory does; that I will remember what happens now, because what happens next is such a paradigm shift from the previous, which I can't even remember. That any moment I will be ejected from this scene, forever, and escape what I know to be reality. To transcend dimension and into a form of life who's living exceeds that of all that I can be.

And then I woke up.

Posted by reverendnathan on Thu, 11/27/2008 - 19:57. | | reverendnathan's blog | Login or register to post comments

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